Moment of happiness ,

Single moment of happiness that lasts only .. a few minutes . After its over everything completely changes and youre in a sudden phase of depression . And all you really have to say is , "F life." But not like its new to me or anything .. im use to it . :/

Close my eyes and..

let the world pass me by . Cause honestly i dont know whats what anymore . I dont know who is who anymore . Im back to were i started just farther than before because of ONE brutal individual . I dont understand how someone can be so insensitive and thats coming from a person that it pretty messed up . This situation will never be completely erased from my mind . It will always float through my skull back and forth . Which then i will never have the chance to overlook what has happened . There you have it , you completed your goal . You never wanted me to forget who you are.. and now i will never forget. So when i think of you , i'll think of you as that person that took all my trust from me and purposely pushed me to the sand, so that i can mourn about my stupidity . You did it with no guilt . Do you have ANY sympathy for what you knew you were going to put me through ? Of course you didnt . You made me look foolish . Even though , all those times before i knew, you made me feel as if i were incredible like i was doing such a good job and im such a caring person . But feeling like that can never make up for how you made me feel after the truth was discovered . Caring i was , incredible .. was all a fantasy . Disappointment . I have failed and now i have no intention of trying to help another because all you have me thinking is that i cant do it . I just dont get why.. Why would you destroy someone's self esteem like that and how do you do it?

The feeling of being a failure ... absolutely sucks .

you&i ,

i like this song and its sad :O .
but i connect with it alot ..

Moment to think ,

Okay , so i was just on someone's blog just now reading this .. and wow it totally changed my opinions about drinking and other stuff. Like wow , it really got to me . It got me to think about all this stuff . And i think you guys should take a moment of your life to read it cause it really changes things around if you were thinking the way i was before that "drinking wont hurt anyone its just for fun or to drown the sorrow away and everything would be good afterwards" definitely not . Now ima think before i say yes to someone offering me a drink or whatever. But yeah just wanted to share because its a pretty strong message .

------------ ♥

I went to a party, Mom. I remembered what you said. You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you said I would. I didn’t drink and drive, Mom, even though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom. I know you are always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, and everyone is driving out of sight.
As I got into my car, Mom, I knew I’d get home in one piece, because of the way you raised me – so responsible and sweet. I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into the road, the other car didn’t see me, Mom – and hit me like a load.
As I lie here on the pavement, Mom, I hear the policeman say “The other guy is drunk,” Mom, and now I’m the one who will pay. I’m lying here dying, Mom. I wish you’d get here soon. How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I’ll “die in a short time”.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn’t drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn’t think. He was probably at the same party as I. The only difference is he drank – and I will die. Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life. I’m feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife. The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don’t think it’s fair. I’m lying here dying, and all he can do is stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put “Daddy’s Girl” on my grave.
Someone should have told him, Mom, not to drink and drive. If only they had told him, Mom, I would still be alive. My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I’m becoming very scared. Please don’t cry for me, Mom. When I needed you, you were always there.
I have one last question, Mom, before I say “Good-bye”. I didn’t drink and drive, so why am I the one to die?

--unknown .

Familyyyy ^o^ ;

So , i have family over from cali that we barely keep in touch with , which sucks cause theyre really cool people. My auntie lani is real sweet and funny like uncle chuck but chuck is more like jokester like a little kid himself hah . Cousin tabbatha is adorable . lol (: Today was like the day we all first really bonded excluding my parents and auntie lani because she had some convention to go to . It was pretty chill. We invite peter and tina to come along :] . Went swimming , bowling , dinner , and TS . hah , tomorrow gonna be at adventuredome with them. Hah , theyre very interesting people and I LOVE IT ! >=] . Theyre staying til sunday so more bonding time ! plus more of the family from cali are coming over tomorrow so yee . (: But yeah today was pretty chillllll. :P

Rawr . Why is it the I have the feeling that I should go kill myself ? Omg . Depression in diguise ? Eff that ! Not gonna let this effect me ! I am strong . :) hah , okay bye .

Whoaaaaaa ! Just one conversation can bring back so much memories and feelings >< no no no ! I will not let this happen . Curiousity kills the cat . And I'm going to be that dead cat . Hopefully I can get that answer . Hopefully ! But other than that .. The fuck! Am I really that stupid that I wasn't able to see through your lies . :( been lied to since when !? Honestly when ! Why why why >< . I gave you all my trust and I thought that I was doing a good job I thought I was succeeding in my goal to make you a better person ! All that time and effort wasted for nothing !!!!!! Oh my , oh my . But you deserved what you got ! Karma is a bitch . I hope you're happy destorying not only yourself but someone else's hopes and faith . Someone who cared about you dearly . Fuck you I regret it ! I regret you ! And I never regret so yup I definitly never want to talk to you again . Unless it's me yelling and beatig you up but that's not gonna be even worth my time . Caause what you did was unforgivable . Make me look like an idiot ? Why thanks . Lying bastard .

Welcome to reality idiot ,

It's funny how you keep implying that I'm so mean and such an asshole . Well congratulation ! You just figured something out that everyone else already knew about ! I'ma tell you guys all once , yes I am a fucking asshole . I can be the biggest dick you can ever meet . I'm pretty fucked up if you ask me . Whooopdeedooo . Bitch stop thinking that you're so innocent yourself . There are so many things that are wrong with you . I'm only mean because it's the truth . The truth fucking hurts yeah so what toughen up and deal with it bitch . Stop being such a big baby . You want to know what fucking bothers me about you , you are so clueless . You're oblivious to everything that I say . You need to learn how to listen and stop lying so badly . You need to learn how to keep a conversation going . I feel like talking to a rock is more interesting than you . You're so dramatic . Sometimes I think you're more of a girl than I am . My gosh . There are so much more I have to say but fuck it ! Cause it's no use if I say it or write or whatever it'll go in one ear of ours and out the other .


Btw , why are guys such drama queens nowadays !?

Talking phase

Michael Carreon ;
his voice is kinda eh in this one but listen to the lyrics . =D



His music speaks to me like Aj&Gabe&etc. ♥

Boring summer days

Seem so long . Ugh ima die. It's only 4 and I feel like it's been 4678 days when it's only been a few hours . Kill me now ! ><

satisfaction ,

Amazing how cleaning can make you feel calm and satisfied . :) just got finish cleaning my room I think ima organize my closet now . I'm listening to techno and shit like that hah I'm such a loser but the melody from heaven song is like so happy and stuff (: . Can't wait to see my brother in a month ! Woooot :D okay bye :)

Once more ,

Thank you for reminding me how much of a dumbass I am cause I fuck everything up . Thanks alot because that's all a kid wants to hear from their parents . Yup.

Joyful .

People have been saying , "you seem so joyful today. Youre like all happy and smiley . why? xD" UHH IDK ! xD i just am ! teehee (: YEEEEEEE . Maybe cos the rain is like WOOT . or the boba .. or my nap . lol idk really (: BUT DOESNT MATTER ! Btw , i love my best friend chon porlas ! (: BECAUSE BECAUSE ! BECAUSEEEEEEEE , hes so open minded LOL . xD And my BEST FRIEND TINAAAA TINGTINGLE, lmfao lmfao . <3 Random but i just wanted to let the world know . :]
OKAY BYE !

A fantastic discovery,

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF Isaac Lee ? OMG . i just found out about him on youtube today . ;O , whoever knew about him before me i hate you for not telling me . Hes a genius and a beast at guitar . (:



^^ , one day i hope i can play as good as he can :D !


OMGGGGGGGG AND HE PLAYS VIOLIN !? Hes like the korean version of me but BETTER MUCH BETTER!



Hes cute in this one ;D ↓ omg , im like obsessed with him right now . BUT AJ IS BETTER ! Isaac is korean so he gets a plus but not even close to aj yet ;O

Everything happens for a reason ,

Yes I believe that everything happens for a reason . I believe you did what you did yesterday because it was what was suppose to happen even tho I said i will never ever talk to you afterwards you still did idk why . If I meant so much you would have thought twice but doesn't matter because what's done is done . But I think that it's fine cause then yu can learn how to stand and deal with it on your own . If your way of dealing with that shit is smoking then you do that cause I'm not gonna be around to tell you no anymore . And honestly when you think of smoking I hope you think about me and fucking regret what happen because of your actions . But it's your life do what you want to do . Now you can listen to whatever anyone wants to say about me and not care because you don't have to worry about me like I said getting into the "big boys group" is never hard because you "big boys" are really small kids if you deal with shit by fighting. No offense . But I wish that you learn on your own how to deal with life who to trust when to date a girl and stop smoking because everytime you take one fucking puff you shorten your life . I hope you learned something from me that you can use in life . Thanks for the memories .

Btw , another good reason to no longer have you in my life is , if you were sitting in my spot and you had to find out by someone other than the person who smoked that they did it today right before seeing you. Wouldn't you be blown away I mean look you said you were gonna tell me tonight why couldn't you tell me when you saw me ! Scared I was gonna get pissed ? Hah then yu shouldn't have done it . Your second chance was already given . There are no third chances with me sorry . Sometimes I question if you lied and have done it more than the times you told me and I have the strongest feeling you have but who knows; only you right ? Doesn't matter now .

Impact ,

Hmm i feel grateful today soooo .. looking at the girl 7 years ago .. Wow . I've changed from a shy dependent scared little girl to me now . Independent confident and outgoing. I'm no longer scared . I am taking all the chances and risks I can/want. And I'm happy I'm me now but it's cause all the people I've meet in those 7 years . The first, Cindyloooo , one of the bestest friends . she's pretty much on the very top . 7 years of knowing her and being close to her. She is one of the most important/main impact of my life . Because of her I was able to get out more and experience life and get over my shy stage . She has showed me how to have fun and not care bout what anyone else thinks. She's a hella good influence . She proved to me that there is at least one person that will always a true friend from start to finish. ever since I was able to trust more . I opened up :) AnnaChen, this chick is the reason why I'm not scared to take risks and do what I want to do . Since her my life has been more exciting and interesting and we taught each other alot in those 5 years . I've meet fantastic people because of her and she's amazing . TinaTeasoyyy, this is my ride or die chick. I do everyhing with her. I love her like she's sister for real . I definetly would give up my life for her . She's been through thick and thin with me . When I need to vent and cry she's the first person that pops in my head . Because of her I am able to show my emotions more easily and not hide them inside . Without her there would be less enjoyment. My 3 guys , you guys should know who you are . From sleepovers with tina and those late movie nights , those were the days . (: even though we all don't talk much anymore you guys mean alot still . You guys .. Gosh I'm speechless . You guys impacted me so much it cannot be explained in words . You guys are most certainly family no matter what . Bryannnnnn lefty , you sir , you sometimes can be a handful of trouble but I love you . You have showed me how much of a good person I am and can be and I showed you that too . I love love having you around because you're always making me feel like there's nothing wrong being me and love that about you cos you go out of your way to make me feel better and you know i'd do that too in a meaner way tho LOL . (btw , I just think you were sleep talking on the phone teeheee.) LauraThaoo, the chick that always always has hope . You are the best . You have done show much that shows me that there is hope and sometimes it's okay to be sensitive . You're a pretty big idiot but I love it. You and me against the world. It's hard to explain how you've impacted me. Those are the mains . There are so many more people out there that has impacted me too . But yeah , I love you guys without you guys I wonder where the hell I would be. Thank you poops :) <3 I LOVE YOU GUYS . :D

Mhmm,

Thinking about it now aha how am I not surprised he left you after that second chance ahhh dude you're hella whack . Anyways this blog might not make sense cause I'm gonna probably be jumping from one thing to the next. Most girls don't know what they have until it's gone and then they're all heartbroken an shit and if they do get the guy back they still don't learn because they do what they did before to drive the guy away all over again . Girls dont learn that's why all of them can fuck themselves . -- why is that when you get the good feeling from someone and they make you like happy and shit then you gotta be like ahhh this is probably bullshit and then you want to let the feeling go and be like fuck it . Is it cause you're not ready to get back in the game ? Still scared of getting hurt ? Oh shut up bitch , you're suppose to enjoy life and be like fuck love don't need it now . And go around being a fucking dick to everyone you hook up with. Oh please like you can even do that. Because everyone has a heart they'll feel like shit after. -- so much bullshit from one person in less than a year. Amazing fucking amazing. You put your all in and you end up later on with them saying bullshit . Using you ? If I wanted to fucking use you for that one reason i'd get someone easier that didn't give me you're shit . You were so complicated to deal with if I just wanted to use you you'd be out of my life a long time ago idiot . But no you're blinded by some bullshit someone else put in your mind . Like wow amazing really . I kept you around cause I fucking wanted you around stupid bitch . Tired of you're nonsense .

Unexpected ,

Wow , it's like that paranoid feeling . Like you're so close to let someone inside an then bam something they say is like WTF and then the wall that blcks the closeness and goes up again. Like wow ! I was so close to letting him get in and then what he said was like WTF . Happiness is one thing but being happy because of lies is never good . What's going on? like is it because he likes me or is it because an easy way to get into my head and get the stuff they need. What is it -.- when all goes good something stupid happens and always ruins it . Blah, ask so much from me . What do I do ! How do I do it ! So stressful . So lost . Idk anymore . Ugh , :/.


Only good thing tonight is that my brother is coming back from Iraq in august. <3

Speechless ,

Loss of words . Wow . Blank . Gone . Careless . Senseless . Thoughtless . Zoned out. What is there to say ? Its up to you , not me .

GabeBondoc,MarkMejia&Albertposis;

-SERIOUSLY !? This guy makes it look so easy to write a song . He is genius . His songs are so unique in a way. Gabe Bondoc is pretty awesome but not as awesome as Aj (; Theyre pretty close tho. ^o^



-Mark Mejia &Albertposis ; OMG !! <3 Their voices are amazing . (: And Albert is like crazy talented ! Omg they make me speechleess when they sing but not as speechless as Aj makes me ;D . LMFAO . OH and that Paul dude , his voice is also very goood too (:



Hmm , well to me Aj is the best . But to other people may not be true (: We all have our own opinions . So dont take any of the shit i said up the butt. They all are very talented and inspirational . :] , they are worth wasting my time& making me feel like i have no life . Its okay because i wouldnt mind watching them FOREVER(;

Sudden feeling

of depression ? Im listening to a song that i guess really got to me , but i wasnt really paying attention to it . I guess it just like went through my head and i was listening but i wasnt .. get it ?

"I don't even know
I've never felt this way before
But with someone like you, it makes sense.
And I don't wanna go,
I'll stay with you forever just as long
as you love me too
just as long as you love me too.
its the way that you talk &the way you smile
and the way that you love black and white.
Baby it's the way that you hold my hand in the car
and the way that we lie in the sand,
It's not that hard to see
That a single day without you could
make me go crazy.
It takes my breath away
it gives me butterflies,
when you hold me when you sleep.
when you hold me in your sleep.
I never want to leave."

As the song plays and i listen to these words .. it brings up memories . Then i begin to think of the past , present , and future . Wow , i dont know anymore . This stuff is too confusing . Seriously ,this sucks . But whatever I'll be okay .




-- totally off subject but my brother is a freak :) I'm laying here watching him do this ab workout teehee .I honestly think this weird shit runs in the family cause now he's just doing something strange LOL . ;O

It aint fun if the homie cant get none ,

i agree with that saying . Im tired as fuck , gonnna knock out prettttty soooooon . But just wanted to post this because i want to show the world that i strongly agree with this quote "It aint fun if the homie cant get none" Ahahaaaaa &my aj rafael shirt should be here TOMORROW ! Yay . ;D Okay bye.

FUCK YOU ,

Hah , i woke up and realize ... YOURE GAY . FUCK YOU ! I mean my mind may not be with me mentally right now BUT .. i came to the conclusion that youre gay and i hate you . AND i need sleep -.- .

Other than that , i had 2 hours of sleep . Im going to shoot myself . >:[ My mind is running so much faster than my body is . Everything is like WOOOOOOOOOOO . Whoa , Im tripping out -.- . WHACKKKKKKKKK . AND I NEED TO GET READY FOR MY ORTHO APPOINTMENT . FUCKMYLIFE.

Teeheee ,

I seriously love my best friends ! <3


Original Video - More videos at TinyPic

and he's one of them <3 ILOVEYOU MATTHEW ! <3
(:

Seriously dude ,

SERIOUSLY ? You cant be fucking serious at this moment right . Youre gonna let this fucking small little problem come between us . Like dude our family is already broken up enough and youre just gonna fucking put this dumb shit in and make it even worse . YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME . Wtf is wrong with you . I try and pull this family together so we wont end up like other families . But you know what ?! FUCK IT . FUCK YOU . Im tired of being the one trying to keep things calm and shit . Im tired of doing shit , putting all my effort into one thing until its perfect and then you fucking come along and ruin it RIGHT AFTER I JUST FIXED THE STUPID SITUATION . You sir , you are fucking repulsive . =.= Do you try and irritate me anyway possible ? WOWWW . Fuck you i dont care what the fuck you think anymore . Youre idiotic , apathetic , and indecisive . UNDERSTAND ? >:[ Next time when you dont trust me and really do think im a fucking dumbass , please just fucking tell it to my face . Dont IMPLY it into our conversations . Just say it out loud and straight up . Because honestly i dont care anymore . I no longer have the need to long for your opinions . I mean why should i , morons dont know what theyre talking about right ? Im harsh i know , but i get that from you asshole. (:

havent posted a blog in like a few days ,

BUT i just wanted to post a very short random one .

I LOVE AJ RAFAEL ! <3

teeheeeeeeeee . ♥