Letter to the one that stuck around ,

Not being able to sleep , im up thinking about what happened and why i did what i did . I finally realized that i did treat you like shit and i always ran back to you after wards . Why ? because i knew i was wrong and you were the best . As much as i want to run back to you again , i will not because im going to save you from the pain . Im tired of fucking with your feelings . Its not like i meant to . I just want to take the time to tell you that everything you said was right about me regretting it and looking back saying that you were right about being the best . Im truly sorry that i wasnt able to see that then . Now that its too late i realize that im stupid and i dont know what the fuck im doing . I just need to get this feeling off my chest . Guilt is eating me alive . Im sorry for what happened in the past . Im sorry for breaking your heart . Im sorry for being me . Im sorry for even coming into your life . I fucked up . I shouldve done you a favor and stayed out of your life on that very month on the 11th day . It wouldve been better for you . And if i really could go back thats what i would change because looking back at it now makes me hate myself more than ever . Talking about how insensitive other people can be when i am exactly the same . Thats my problem , im too worried about getting my word out and speaking my mind about what i THINK is right and all that stuff . And im oblivious to what else is going on and how everyone else feels . But i just really wanted to take the time to tell you that this time i truly mean it and i hope you do read this . It maybe hard to believe considering all those times but really i mean it this time when i say sorry . I would give anything up just to relive one of those days of having that feeling of you tickling my heart &have it speak to me one more time , but im gonna stay away from your life and make sure i dont do anything to even get involved because itll be the best for you and i just want that because you do deserve that . You deserve the best of the best and clearly i am nothing close . But i do thank you for the memories and being able to have that feeling . I know a sorry wont make up shit but thats all i am able to do . You are amazing and im sorry for making you think otherwise . I am truly sorry .

“We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness”

:( . I know i can be stubborn . its hard for me to open up . I just dont understand why youre putting me through this . i dont know anymore . i thought i knew what i was doing . i thought i knew how everything went . i thought i knew everything , but fuck i dont know shit . :/ i dont get it . Maybe it is just me . Maybe im the one that fucks up , i mean come on what havent i messed up for myself yet ? Now i sit here wide awake .. waiting .. waiting til the sun rises .. waiting for your answer . Trying to be tough and hold back the tears but its so difficult . Someone answer me .. What am i doing ? How did i get in this position ? Why did i mess up so bad ? I need someone to be a friend and comfort me . I need to scream , cry , and let my feelings out . I need to run . Run away from all my problems and fears . I need to get lost .

Everywhere i look , i see what they have that i dont . I want to have someone who will just be there for me when im down . Someone who will give up their sleeping time and stay up with me to just make sure im a little better than just okay . Someone that would just make me feel like i am wanted and im not all that much of a fuck up . Someone that sees me as me now than of me then . Someone who understands that people do change and hes sympathetic about my feeling too . Someone who knows when i lie about being okay when im terribly depressed/bothered/etc . Someone who can show me that true love is still out there . I want something like that couple that never lets anything get in their way &if anything tries to they're able to work it out together no matter how bad things get . &i thought you just couldve possibly have been the one , but you proved me wrong .. Looking at all these couples make me jealous . I want to be able to have something like that but somehow its not possible . I wished for it to last . I wished for it to be different . I wished a little too much . I need to snap back to reality .


*Can anyone point me in the direction where i will definitely find something real .. anything at all ?